I have a heart, but it's in someone else's possession right now, though he's treating it with no care at all. He forgot he had it, and it fell on the floor, and he ended up accidently stepping on it alot. But when I reminded him that he had it, he apologized and picked it up, and put it on a shelf so he couldn't damage it anymore. Only now, it's getting covered in dust, and forgotten again.

Love has called me many times, since he walked away but I've always ignored the calls, then deleted the voice mails before I would listen to them. After calling a few more times, I finally anwsered, but I put Love on hold. And it's been on hold for awhile.

Once I lost my world, I threw my life against a wall and watched it shatter into a million pieces. A lesson was learned that day, when your life is hanging by a thread, that's a dangerous time to fall for someone, because they quickly become your only reason to live.

Most days I hate myself, but other days I don't know if there is even enough of person left in me to be able to hate. I feel empty, and very lost in reality. I'm breathing but dead. Nice to meet you, I'm a living zombie.

I went on this new path, after I realized I was caught in love's web again. I went on a jornay to find myself but got lost along the way. I'm currently a mixture of what I used to be, and what the depression and drugs made me. The old Rain, wasn't the best person either, but neither is this current Rain. I have never been the person I want to be. I've came close, but right as my true self reaches my grasp, she's gone.

I have beening thinking alot lately. In my head is where I feel at home. I'm a Dreamer, always have been, always will be. I've been thinking about my life, my love, and my death. I keep having this weird feeling that all three are going to be meeting up soon. But then again, maybe I'm just over thinking everything, I tend to do that alot.

I've been trying to move on, yet again. Ever since I lost my world, and then he came back and I regained his friendship, I've been trying to relive to life I once had. I keep going into Savannah, the home of my best memories, and going to all the places I used to go to, with the people I once went there with. I even see the one I want most, but he doesn't greet me with a kiss anymore, just kind words. It's not the same this time around, I only wish it was. I've been living in the past, because I don't want to accept my present.

I look around this world I live in, through stoned eyes, because I'd rather live my 'life without him', without realizing I'm without him. It's like I'm cheating depression, by getting high. Because when I'm in the clouds I forget he exists. Maybe when I don't need him anymore, I won't need weed either.

I'm terrified of the future, because I realize one of these days I'm going to have to take Love off hold and listen to what it has to say. It's proabably going to tell me to let him go, and find someone else. I know that's what everyone else has been telling me. And I know they're right but I refuse to let him go. What can I say? I have a smart head, but a Fool's heart. I am in love with disaster, in the form of beauty.

I'm not yet ready to take Love off hold, but I am ready to take baby steps into the world around me, to see who else is out there. Maybe one day, I'll meet someone who loves Fall Out Boy, Harry Potter, Exploring, Oddness, WoW, Runescape, Gaming, Pictures, Eyeliner, Music, Chilling, and all that stuff as much as I do. And they'll hate cuddling and marriage, accept that I'm Asexual, and they will dance with me. Maybe someday I'll find that person. And I'll have gotten over him, and he may end up realizing what he lost. Then again, maybe, just maybe, after I graduate I'll see him standing outside the crowd watching me. And in that moment we'll meet, and begin again. Since neither of us like dating in highschool. But for now, it's about time I move on with my life, and try to love myself for once.

I love Billy. Apart of me will always love him. Because he taught me a lot, and he was just this amazing an unforgettable person, who dragged me through Hell. He wasn't my first love, but he was my favorite. And I hope one day he finds what he's looking for.

"I will be waiting right here, only to roam. When the bells chime like there is no tomorrow. Never gonna ever gonna belong to another, no. Leave me alone I am not an angel yet."

~Love is for squares.